How Do You Know?

One of my pet peeves is when someone says to you, “I know how you feel” or “I know what you’re going through.”

How, I wonder, do they know what someone else is feeling? It’s not their life that the person is living, it is their own.

Two people could walk down the street. Both have just gotten a new job in their field, and both are thrilled. But their happiness is not identical! Imagine that the first person is a recent college graduate, living in a tiny apartment and surviving on ramen. Now imagine that the second person is an experience professional with years under her belt in her career; this new job is just another step towards her overall goal.

Their happiness is not the same.

The college student is (in this scenario) ecstatic that she’s found a job that doesn’t involve waiting tables or making coffee. She’s relieved that she’ll be able to pay her rent on time. And looking forward to the luxury of having dinner at the greasy spoon diner, the one with the flickering neon sign, down the street. She’s finally able to make a stand as someone who matters and has a voice. Her education has been justified and her future finally looks brighter than the dingy apartment complexes that she’s been surviving in.

The experienced professional is excited to begin a new job with new opportunities. She’s given her two weeks notice at the job that she’s leaving for this one and her apartment is a brightly lit and comfortable home. She still rents because she’s always looking for the big-ticket job that will rocket her to a senior position in a company. She is comfortable in her life and well aware of where she is going.

This is just an example of how no two situations, no matter how similar, are alike. Yes, there are situations that can be compared more closely, but nothing is exactly the same because everything is dependent on the person’s experiences.

And yet people still offer up (sometime unsolicited) advice about a situation that they’re removed from. That they can’t truly understand. People are happy to tell you what to do, it’s human nature to meddle after all. The worst offenders are those who are happy to offer up relationship advice. Everyone is guilty of it. I am too.

It’s easy to see a situation from the outside and say to yourself, or others, “if that was me I’d ______.” But you’re not inside the situation. You don’t know the history or the experiences of each individual that affects the relationship. You only know what you see. You’re just someone walking by a house and looking in the window and catching a glimpse of what has happened.

It’s especially easy, in view of what may seem like a hopeless situation, to tell your friend to move on and forget about the other person. If it’s just some person they met at the bar it’s a lot easier for them to agree with you than if you’re telling them to forget someone who they have months or years of history with. By that point there has been an impact on their life, they have made choices for or regarding that person that directs them one way or another.

It’s also a lot easier to make a decision for someone, since you probably won’t be directly affected by it. It’s easier to say that someone or something is bad, when you haven’t seen the good.

It’s easy to warn a friend away from someone, even in genuine concern, when you are just a third-party. It’s easy to tell a friend not to fall in love with someone when you’re not the one falling.

So no matter how much a person thinks that they can sympathize with you, their experiences–no matter how similar– have given them a different outlook on the situation at hand.

In the end, the only person who can decide what is right or wrong is you. You can take the advice of other if you choose, follow it or disregard it… that is your choice. No one can make a decision for you, nor should they.

No matter how difficult or easy, confusing or clear, painful or painless, the choice is yours because you are the one who has to live with your decision in the end.